So, I got some bad news last night. I kind of saw this coming, but it still doesn’t make it any easier. Lately, it seems I can’t catch a break. It’s just short relationship after short relationship. Is it too much to ask for someone to be truthful? If you don’t want a relationship or don’t feel you can be in one, then just say so beforehand and save me all the hurt. I give and I give and don’t get anything in return. I’m so sick and tired of it. I still care about him and there’s the whole trip to Omaha, too. I’ve already paid for it and of course, it’s non-refundable. All I can do is hope for the best, seeing as I really don’t know anyone else in Omaha.
my date
05
October
2008
Well, I had a date last night and it went well!
I met him on facebook, although we work at the same university. We chatted online for about 5 hours or so on friday night and were texting back and forth on saturday and we decided to get together at a steakhouse for dinner. So we met at 7pm for dinner and I thought it was something how when I pulled into the parking lot, the only place I could park was in the parking spot facing his car. So we both got out of our cars and said hi and walked into the steakhouse and put our name on the list to get a table. While waiting for a table, we started talking and it never really stopped! We talked about some of everything and had a great time! We ate dinner, I had a steak and he had chicken. After dinner we kept talking and then finally decided to leave the restaurant. We just went outside and talked. We talked until about 11:30 or so and then started saying goodbye, but couldn’t stop talking. We both could have stayed later and kept talking, but needed to get home and get in the bed. We finally hugged and got in our cars and left. I wanted to kiss him, but wasn’t sure it I should.
When I got home I texted him saying I wanted to kiss him but didn’t know if I should and he replied with saying the same. We both want to see each other again and I cannot wait to see him again! We’ve been texting each other like crazy today as well! 
WTF, Pray Away the Gay??
09
September
2008
I can actually say that I’m not too surprised by “Pray Away the Gay.” My family tried to do something like that the first time they found out I was gay. A co-worker of my sister, who is gay, saw me on a website and told her and she told my dad. They made me talk to my pastor and their pastor and I was supposed to “change.” I agreed to have a filter installed on my computer to block out all the “evil” websites, including Facebook and MySpace, among with the other surely gay site. After a while my computer crashed or something and I didn’t reinstall the filter and started browsing some sites again. During the whole time I was supposed to “change” I never once stopped having feelings about guys, I saw a hot guy and I had all kinds of thoughts about him, I did think at the time that it was wrong and I shouldn’t be having these thoughts, but I still did. Finally, after about a very unhappy year, I decided to let myself be gay again. And when I finally came out to my family, they wanted me to talk to my former pastor or go to some kind of counseling because they of course thought it was wrong. My dad asked me if I wanted to know why I had these feelings for guys and I told him I don’t need to know why, it doesn’t matter, I have them and therefore, I’m gay.
So just from my little history, “Pray Away the Gay” isn’t a foreign concept, but I can say with confidence that it surely didn’t work for me. I don’t think that it can work at all, but then again, what do I know. Some will say that being gay is a choice that I’ve made, but I don’t agree one bit. Why would I make this choice? I have always had feelings for guys, ever since I was a child! It’s just how I am, how I was made…
I don’t know
06
September
2008
Right now, I don’t exactly know how I feel. I have so many conflicting feelings and emotions going on right now that I can’t sort it all out. I know that I am feeling somewhat lonely but I am not sure how to go about fixing that. I know that at some point in the not to distant future I want to find someone to date and hopefully lead to more. There’s one big problem with that: a lot gay men are focused on sex only and don’t want a relationship. I want a relationship!!! I want to find someone to share my life with, the good and the bad. I want someone to be able to be honest with and him to be honest with me. I want him to be more interested in our relationship than sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against sex, but that is surely not what the relationship needs to be based on. I also want to find someone who is not afraid of what others will think. Everyone has their own opinions, why do you need to worry about what they think? As long as you’re fine with it and I am too, then what does it matter? I guess that pretty much shows that I want someone who is out, I don’t want to have a sneak around, or have them lie to people in their lives because of that. What good is it if you have something great but yet cannot tell people you love about it? It’s pointless!
Ok, so I’ve ranted about what I want and don’t want. That I guess kind of helps me… I again want to say thank you to everyone who has been there for me through this tough time in my life. I don’t know what I would have done without you! You mean so much to me!!
thanks to everyone
31
August
2008
I would like to thank everyone who has sent me a message or something to help me through this tough time. I know that things will be ok, eventually. It’s going to be a process that will take some time, but I will be ok in the end. I’m young and I know that love will find me. I am surely not going to go hunting for it, as that never seems to work. Again, thanks to all of my friends!
Oh, and especically thanks to my new part time boss for taking me out last night. It was great to be able to go out and get me mind off of things. Ever better to have some silly conversation and share some beer. 
never saw this coming
30
August
2008
After I got off work today, I was hoping for a good evening of spending time with my boyfriend, but all that changed after he got here. He told me that he felt we were at two different places and he didn’t know when, if ever he’d be ready to take our relationship to the next level. He also said he didn’t feel that it was fair to me for him to ask me to wait until he was ready. I somewhat understand that, but I have to admit, I love him, and still do, eventhough we broke up. He was pretty much my dream guy. Everything I wanted… A muscular guy, had a decent job, cared about me, wanted to spend time with me, but it didn’t pan out, and well, that’s occasionally what happens. Although I’m hoping that something might happen to change his mind, I kind of doubt it. So, I guess I’m once again single for the time beind and surely not looking to jump into a new relationship anytime in the too near future. I thinK i’m goin to approach it in a similar way to what happened with this one, I’m not going to be looking for a relationship, but one will find me. I just pray that I can get trough this without feeling too lonely. It’s going to be really hard on my living by myself now, I probably won’t be spending too much time at home alone anymore, don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.
Anyway, I just want to say that I have nothing against my I guess ex, I wish him the best and just want to say that I still love you and pray that you find what you need and that you have all that you need.
Classes start today
25
August
2008
Classes start today at The University of North Carolina at Greensboro, which is actually a week later than last year, as faculty and The Chancellor agreed to count exam days as instructional time and therefore we have one less week of classes. I’m only taking one class, as I work so much that I feel that is all I can handle. I only have one more class and comps to take to finish up my Masters. I look forward to finishing my Masters, but also know that with the completion comes the student loans into repayment time… I know it’s inevitable, so might as well start to face the reality…
Looking forward to Fall Kick-off today, all kinds of free stuff, and we all know that free stuff rawks!! Anyway, I’m supposed to be working, so I better get back to that…
funny thing
20
August
2008
well, as per my daily routine, i was talking to a former co-worker this morning and happened to notice this nice muscular guy on the computers by the Registrar’s Office and told her to look and she just kind of laughed a little, but dude was hot. so after talking to her for a few more minutes, he gets finished on the computer and proceeds to come see my former co-worker (she works in the information station for the Registrar’s Office, so rather common for people to come as her questions) and so i leave, as usual. well, i just went back to say hey again and she tells me that the guy didn’t have anything to ask her and had to try to make something up… meaning that she thinks he wanted to talk to me. well, sure i might have talked to him, but there’s no way i would leave my bf for anyone at this point in time… he means way too much to me… i <3 u!!!
just what the dr ordered
19
August
2008
Got some good news about an hour ago… I worked rather hard the past couple weeks trying to do well on Scavenja, an online photo-based scavenger hunt. Well, all that hard work paid off, I won and was notified that I won a free vacation from Hahn’s Travel. I’m not sure about any of the specifics yet, they’re going to mail me the information. But I can’t wait… but alas I will since class is starting next week and I’m not really going to be able to miss that… Not to mention that I really would like for my bf to go with me!!! Things are looking up..
Also, I’m currently reading Programming C# trying to teach myself C# so that I can then proceed to ASP.NET to add more qualifications to my resume.
today is a new day
19
August
2008
Well, I’m hoping that today will be better! This morning, on my way to work, since I drove because I don’t want to bike home at 8:30 pm, just a bit worried about biking after dark, I decided to listen to Linkin Park and was listening to Numb and thought, that’s a great song and it really describes how I feel right now. So that is my new anthem!
Also, I had a really good leg workout this morning at the gym… hoping that things go well today!!